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The Human Centipede 3

Six Entertainment
Six Entertainment
Released On : 22 May 2015
Base Country : Netherlands
Rotten Tomatoes: 19%
Can we all now wake up and pretend this whole sorry cultural experiment never happened?
There could have been some sneaking suspicion that the whole Human Centipede thing was no more than an elaborate joke pulled on the collective audience if it wasn’t for the fact that Tom Six’s latest abomination wouldn’t know subtlety or intellect if it was sewed into his colon.
Instead, take it for what it is – a perverted exercise in attempting to provoke a reaction (whether arousal or disgust, as long as it’s extreme) through the marriage of awful body “horror” and even worse acting. We should all hang our heads in shame that this is what amounts to the modern Penny Dreadfuls.
There is admittedly something grotesquely enjoyable about the fact that the sequels seem to have improved in production values and star quality – particularly as the natural extrapolation would be an eventual sequel where Leonardo DiCaprio’s lips meet Meryl Streep’s anus all shot in glorious HD – but if you like this, you’re broken.
Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser
Happy Madison
Happy Madison
Released On : July 16, 2015
Base Country : United States
Rotten Tomatoes: 0%
While it’s entirely possible to feel a little bit sorry for Adam Sandler and Kevin James because they’ve both proven themselves at least watchable in past roles, the same cannot be said of David Spade. The man is an anomaly: unfunny, unskilled and defiantly uncharismatic and the fact that he managed to get a sequel to the numb-skulled Joe Dirt made (and watched by a few million people on Crackle.com) is nothing short of a miracle.
The sequel takes up where the original left off 14 years previously, impressively casting off the few meagre IQ points it actually could rub together in favour of more profanity, more silliness and less creative restraint. The funniest joke seems to be that Dirt still has a mullet and that’s only because it’s one of the rare parts of the film that doesn’t make you question every life decision you’ve ever made that led to watching it.
Taken 3
20th Century Fox
20th Century Fox
Released On : 16 December 2014, 9 January 2015 (US) , 21 January 2015 (France)
Base Country : France
Rotten Tomatoes: 9%
Liam Neeson must be laughing all the way to the bank. Having signed on to the original film only as a means to have a holiday, he’s now got to the point where he could command $20 million for a role that demands precisely no range and little effort. He literally just has to be Liam Neeson.
And despite the franchise being on the inevitable downward critical spiral, the box office returns have been significant enough to suggest there’s still life in the brand. That’s more than can be said of the script or the performances though, as a shamefully silly plot is populated by mostly boring characters while Neeson strides through the middle looking majestic and bad-ass and somehow not losing an ounce of credibility.
But that’s not to say there’s any enjoyment factor here: even the old cliches of the first two films have lost their entitlement to good will, and they’re cut down by the fact that this isn’t so much a Taken film as a “Don’t Piss Off Liam Neeson” film. Or the bones of one, anyway. So the appeal even to the most die-hard of Taken fans is severely tested.
Fifty Shades Of Grey
Universal PicturesUniversal Pictures
Released On : February 9, 2015(Los Angeles premiere) February 13, 2015(US & UK)
Base Country : UK & US
Rotten Tomatoes: 25%
It was never going to work. For the army of middle aged women who bought the book for a bit of titillation on their morning commute, a film adaptation was never going to be graphic enough to rival their own sordid imaginations, and to a traditional movie audience the story was too poor and too badly written to justify watching.
In the end, the dull, oddly sexless adaptation was never extreme enough in either sense. It isn’t stylish and well written enough to be a real film and it’s not naughty enough to be distracting. If it had been as ridiculous as Showgirls it might also have been a lot more engaging.
Obviously the box office assured that the planned sequels will go ahead, complete with the least charismatic lead couple since Twilight. And if that all wasn’t enough, now the bloody thing has inspired Marlon Wayans to release another of his humourless “spoofs” – the hilariously titled Fifty Shades Of Black.


Jupiter Ascending

Warner Bros.
Warner Bros.
Released On : January 27, 2015(Sundance Film Festival), February 6, 2015(North America) February 19, 2015(Australia)
Base Country : United States, Australia
Rotten Tomatoes: 26%
There comes a time in every stuttering film-maker’s career where you have to firmly accept that they’re just not very good. Unfortunately for everyone who has endured their last five films, that point for the Wachowskis didn’t come imemdiately after The Matrix.
In the space of those films, the directing siblings have gone the way of Tim Burton: pumping in so much visual imagination that there’s no room for restraint, or subtlety or substance in plot or characters. What remains in the case of Jupiter Ascending is a heavily ornate, garish monstrosity that is too silly to even be considered enjoyably dumb.
Jupiter Ascending is a child’s painting – a sloppy mess of awful characters that Warner Bros begrudgingly posted on their fridge (but only in the graveyard February slot). And while there’s something delightfully kitsch about Eddie Redmayn’e performance, to see him reduced to this sort of slop after The Theory Of Everything is a morale gut punch.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2

20th Century Fox
20th Century Fox
Released On : April 17, 2015(United States)
Base Country : United States
Rotten Tomatoes: 6%
If there’s any justice in the world, 2015 will see the end of Kevin James’ big screen career as it is. The formerly charming comic actor has been reduced to playing Adam Sandler’s sidekick in terrible movies, or leading his own projects that all seem entirely focused on him being fat and clumsy. Way to break the stereotype.
This film only exists because a jaw-droppingly large amount of people went to see the first one, so congratulations to everyone who paid to see it. Your reward was 94 minutes of a fat guy on a segway attempting to ignore the fact that his “hilarious” Die Hard spoof is a fountain of manure. Luckily though, it still made $100m at the box office, so there’ll no doubt be another one at some point.
Unlike even Joe Dirt, this unnecessary sequel doesn’t even seem to care whether we care about the lead. He’s unsympathetic (which is fatal in any film about a bumbling clown), he’s unlikeable and his buffoonery has no accessibility and no humanism. And without heart, these films just end up being nasty invitations to laugh at a portly loser who keeps falling down.
Mortdecai
Lionsgate
Lionsgate
Released On :
Base Country :
Rotten Tomatoes: 12%
2015 could have been the year Johnny Depp hit rock bottom and then triumphantly dragged himself out of the gutter with an excellent performance in Black Mass. It should have been, in fact.
But then the trailer for Alice Through The Looking Glass came out and obliterated all sense of goodwill for the wayward talent. It’s best just to accept that even with flashes of brilliance, he’s too far gone.
He definitely did hit rock bottom though, thanks to this appalling, unfunny caper that seems lost in time.
Mortdecai is self-consciously quirky, and positions itself as a sort of modern Pink Panther, while Johnny Depp over-commits so horribly to the character that you have to suspect that his ability to discern what makes a worthwhile project is now completely broken. And this from a reported Anglophile who loved the genius character comedy of the Fast Show. He apparently learned absolutely nothing from it.




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